Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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