Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
