had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
