I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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