So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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