allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just made my gag reflex go away.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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