life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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