I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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