IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
