the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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