she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
