sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
