my mouth tastes like poor choices
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
