i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
