So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
