Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
