Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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