I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
