Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
