I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize