Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
