just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
