My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
