he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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