I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize