Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize