She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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