i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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