hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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