Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
