I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
