I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
