Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
