if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
