Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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