His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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