mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
