My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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