No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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