hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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