my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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