When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
