You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I understand Curling. That high.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
