You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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