someone threw a dead crab at me
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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