The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
