There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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