How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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