Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
