he told me I talked like a deaf person
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize