Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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