apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
