You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize