He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
