Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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