i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
