Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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