I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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