Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
