Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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