Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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